It starts from nothing.
One quality of this no-thingness is that it is in fact alive. There may be no reference points, no emotions to measure, or memories to compare, but it is not dead. This no-thingness is the inverse of dead. It is the very primordial medium of creation. From this medium, we create ourselves.
We become something in the world; we achieve goals, have children, we manifest houses. But the moment we become something in the world, we become limited by that which we become. The moment we have something is the moment we can lose it. The moment we can be something, is the moment we can not be it. Strangely, the moment we experience ourselves as something is often the moment we can experience abandonment. The moment we become aware of ourselves as experiencing ourselves as something, the possibility for annihilation exists, and so we fear it because if we can be something, then we can be nothing. And in a dualistic vision, nothing equals annihilation.
Ironically, we spend our lives try to be something when in fact our salvation may lie in being no-thing. Because in our no-thing-ness resides our greatest potential for something.
Yet we if we don’t move into the process of becoming some-thing, then we forgo the potential present in the no-thing. So then the key is in staying in a conscious process of continuous creation, dissolution and recreation. Always moving, expanding, exploring but never becoming attached to the experience as the truth of who we are.
And we have to be willing to allow ourselves to dissolve completely before we can become whole and know ourselves.
In my case, I began identifying myself as something by learning how to orbit around my parents. And when they divorced, and my father left. I learned how to orbit around my mother. How to make her happy. How to be easy, not make waves, how to put myself on the side for the sake of survival. Because of my mother’s particular needs, I ceased to exist for the purpose of my own fulfillment. I existed for hers. But, I did become an excellent caretaker. I learned how to really pay attention to subtle changes in expression and I learned how to serve without being invasive. These are important skills with which I feel truly blessed.
What I did not learn was how to trust my own strength and knowing. So, when I left home, I looked for strong men whom I could orbit around. I gave myself over to them, trying to be the perfect partner. I really let them run the show and I let their show become my show. Interestingly, very strong angry women would intimidate me. On reflection, it was probably because I saw in them my own strength that I was not yet wiling to own for myself. So I judged it. Somewhere in there though, I began to hear a voice calling me out. It began to get louder and louder the more it got ignored until I had to start making different decisions in my life to satisfy it.
There is a certain point in development where we stop and ask ourselves who we really are. And we are faced with the choice of maintaining the false identifications we have created or we are invited to shed them and move into the authentic self and know ourselves in a more true and sustaining way. This can be a scary moment.
We have spent a lot of time building and developing and relying upon the illusions of who we are. And there are rules to maintaining those illusions. They can look like: I am someone’s daughter, so a loving daughter behaves this way. Or, I am a woman and women need to be nice. Or if I am a man then a man needs to provide. Or if I am a good Christian or a good Jew, then there is a certain set of criteria that goes with that. At least some of these beliefs and attachments have been useful. They have provided the armature upon which we have built our lives. So daring to to see ourselves as bigger than that armature might seem like suicide.
But, the moment we dare to consider ourselves as bigger than the some-things that we have created is the moment that we step into our true potential. In my work with myself and my clients, this is where self for-giveness becomes really useful. Because, when we are willing to acknowledge, own, and give forth (for-give) the limitations of who we are, then we have more space to expand into the the truth of who we are. From this perspective, the most powerful forgiveness we can do might be, “I forgive myself for forgetting that I am divine.”
What if the thing we fear the most is the basis for our own creative expression and growth?
Blessings, Danielle
“You are God, the creator, the Divine on all the levels of your beingness. There is responsibility that goes along with that. If God has infinite expression, and It does, then you are an expression of God.
It is your quality of utilizing this creativity that sets you apart in your spirituality and in your ability to move your consciousness where you want it, when you want it, and to do with it as you wish. As you move your consciousness toward God, you create a happy, full life for yourself on this physical level, using your time wisely, assisting others, and being of service.” – John Roger